Two months in.

So the big day is two months gone by, we're moved into our first home and I'm starting to enjoy watching people squirm under the pressure of having to spell my new last name. 

Suddenly all of this free time has fallen into my lap. For a long time up until this point I can only ever remember feeling busy or tired. It started with working six day weeks alongside church service. Then I had a four month process of uprooting, saying goodbye to all of my family and friends, leaving my job, church and beautiful homeland. Next came moving to the new home, new church, adjusting to city life, job hunting and planning a wedding.

Then came the wedding day.

My favourite day.

A new era of 'we' and 'us' began. We had a week together in the Lake District, came back and fairly quickly and seamlessly started to settle into work and living together.

But now there are empty pages in my diary. Whole evenings with nothing planned to do. Its been lovely- but also a brilliant opportunity for a challenge at the same time. 

I've started to realise that when left to my own devices with no agenda planned in for me, my default is laziness. Unfinished projects and to do lists have sat untouched while I've wasted whole evenings in front of the TV or on the internet, looking to be entertained. I can't lie and say that I haven't enjoyed the late night binges on courtroom dramas and mystery thrillers with Mr Pumba, but I've started to feel my brain and my spirit go to mush while I've been feeding my head with mental junk food. It just doesn't satisfy. 

So this Thursday night I felt the need for a change, and after watching my brother-in-law bake five loaves of bread last Saturday, I was in a kneading mood. Mixing bowls and flour and yeast all came out of the cupboard, and I started to feel the satisfaction of baking something for fun, and not just because we needed dinner. I made pizza dough and an easy tomato sauce base. Leftover sauce went into a jar ready for next time, and then I started on a round loaf. 

It tasted less anaemic than it looks.

I presented it to Mr Pumba with pride and he got the honour of knocking on the bottom of the loaf. 

Even just knowing that I'd spent an evening away from screens lifted my mood. 

Then today I went shopping, and finally bought fabric to cover a book that I'd sewn up over two years ago. Two years!! How could I have left a project unfinished for so long? I got home and added a card front, back and spine and covered it in the new fabric. I'll be using it to record shopping lists, meal plans and keep receipts from our big shops so that I can track what works and what doesn't. I saw a lovely idea online - a lady kept a diary of dinner parties over the years, including who her guests were, what she cooked and what they chatted about. She had recorded fairly normal evenings, but they were years worth of meals shared, friendships built and chats that turned into key moments. I have a tendency to get nostalgic easily, so I love that idea. 

I'm realising that I was so used to being busy that I've completely forgotten how to enjoy hobbies. So when all this free time suddenly arrived, I didn't even know what to do with it anymore.  I don't know what I like doing for fun. I've forgotten what I'm good at. With little and big things. Passions that I started to cultivate on Impact Training in 2010 have been deserted, and now I need to pick up where I left off. 

 So I'm pledging to try and create something each week or month just for the pure enjoyment of it. Even if it looks rubbish or doesn't work out, I'll try not to get disappointed and frustrated at the money I spent on ingredients or paper or whatever supplies are needed. And looking past just me and my own little life, I can start to use this time to learn more about my new husband's hobbies, and the things that I can do to help and love others outside of my comfortable life. A big challenge for just a small town girl (living in a lonely world). But with the help of the Holy Spirit, what an adventure with Jesus. 

Any suggestions for projects that you've enjoyed will be more than welcome!

 

Bridezilla

In just under 40 days I will be marrying Pelumi, starting a whole new family and losing my last name (Sure as Bolorunduro won't really work, I may have to think of something else). Now that its getting closer I'm so excited - I feel like I'm caught up in that cloud nine feeling I felt for the first few weeks after we got engaged. And I think that blissful feeling would have returned sooner if it wasn't for one slightly sad but very true fact.

I hate wedding planning.

I hate the horrible realisation that you actually can't invite and include everyone, and the guilt that comes with it. It makes me angry that you are forced into spending money to make an important commitment to eachother, however low-key you choose to go. I get so frustrated by the fact that everyone tells you to do what you want and to stop trying to please everyone, but the minute you do, you're met with replies like: 'Well that won't work' or ' You can't do it like that."

When will there ever be another time where I have to pretend to be an expert on colour co-ordination, event planning, floristry and bridal fashion and accessories? I'm realising even as I'm writing that so much of the pressure (and definitely the stress) is an unnecessary weight that I tend to burden myself with, and in reality the expectations of other people aren't really what I think they are. But it still feels like there is a very real pressure to have it all up to 'wedding standard'.

I'm just so thankful to God for amazing breakthroughs and blessings, like having an amazingly talented and creative sister-in-law to be who has helped with almost everything, having a best friend in Cornwall to keep me organised and sane, bridesmaids who have been completely anti-diva, finding a wedding dress and seamstress that make my purse happy, and so many other things.

I can't wait to be married, and I know on the day I will be on cloud nine again. All of this pressure really is nothing compared to the happiness of our wedding day. Two and a half years of long distance were gruelling. After so much impatient waiting, knowing that we're almost at the finish line (although its really arriving at a new starting line) feels good.

But this particular 'season' is hard, so to see you through, here is some advice:

So many people tell you: 'It's your day, you're the bride, do everything how you want.' Truthfully, I don't think that actually works in practice. Not only does it mean you exclude your families from sharing the joy, anyone who is about to get married can use an opportunity to learn to give and take and put others before yourself.  Of course you need to make big decisions together on your own, but don't underestimate the massive help other people can be to you.

Plan early and start with planning your money. I have been genuinely disgusted with the way magazines sell you these images of a wedding day where the light is perfect and the theme is more original and funny than anything else you've seen before. If you appreciate things that are beautiful and well put together like me, it can be so disappointing when you find out that it costs thousands to put a day like that together. I had to decide that I wasn't going to let the beautiful pictures steal my happiness, because starting off the first year of our marriage without debt is more important than having a beautiful day. (And if you live under a rock and haven't heard of Pinterest, as addictive as it is, it has hundreds of cheap DIYs).

Talk about how you want to do everything at length. Don't get halfway into your plans and realise there was a simpler/cheaper way of doing it. Do your research, once you start booking things its not easy to change your plans.

Remember to be in love. I am so blessed to be marrying someone who will still make me laugh and hold my hand, even at times when it feels more like we're business partners planning a corporate event than best friends who are in love. As a good friend keeps reminding me: "Keep the main thing the main thing." (And thanks to the wonderful couple who gave them that advice a year ago.)

See you again, probably as Mrs Bolorunduro. (Eek!)

Matt Nathanson

Its a real testament to my lack of concentration that I can go a whole year without posting anything. 

Maybe I've been too busy, which is my usual excuse. Perhaps I've grown to be a bit lazy which is most likely true. I don't seem to do much these days. It doesn't bother me too much, partly because I'm used to it, but mainly because the past months have made me feel like I am slowly moving forward, starting to shed the skin of an uncertain, awkward young person and becoming more like the person I want to be.  

As a wise lady regularly says to me,  "I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was." 

And I have to say, it feels good to know what clothes I like, music I like, what I'm good and bad at and to be able to be myself and to scratch away at what that actually is.

A big part of this has come from having a job. It feels good to be working, learning how to run my own house (or room), paying my own way. This time of gaining all these life skills, and learning how to deal with people and conflicts is invaluable.

I'm still working on things like 'how to not eat the week's supply of chocolate after one bad day', and 'not leaving everything to the last minute and then complaining about how much I have to do', and 'getting up on time in the morning and not shouting at the toaster for taking too long and making me late'. But they're all just tiny flaws that everyone has, I'm sure. 

Having a job has taught me patience, how to be diplomatic, how to be firm but fair, and how to disagree with someone and say that 'this is not alright'. The ladies that I work with are a team of volunteers who are over 50, and between them all have been married, run businesses, raised children, lost parents, lost husbands, battled cancer, supported their children by helping raise grandchildren, and have basically lived through a lot. Not to mention that they were all taught from a young age that you don't waste anything, you make sure you remember your manners and you work hard.  Hearing their stories makes me realise that the daily things I struggle with are nothing new. There really is 'nothing new under the sun'. A few of them worship the same God as me, most don't. I don't agree with everything they think. But given the choice between spending time learning from them, or having to listen to someone my own age or younger telling me the fascinating story about the time they were sick outside the pub on Saturday night, I know what I'd choose. ( Sorry to anyone my age or younger, I'm just exaggerating to make a point). 

Honestly, I think this is why I don't understand why people complain about having to grow up, as if its boring. I guess the idea is that when you're young you get to have all the guilt free fun you want, because 'I'm young and this is when I'm going to make all my mistakes.' Then as you get older you have to grow up and be sensible and boring. 

I've spent most of the last few years wishing I could skip forward to a time where I know myself better, I've had a few good confidence building years, and I'm more in love with Jesus. I'm so glad to leave teen years behind because I love getting older. And if you get the balance right, you can come up with a monthly savings plan and still have strudel for breakfast instead of the muesli that you're supposed to eat. ( I don't know why anyone would eat that sawdust first thing in the morning, its disgusting.) Its a good thing I'm paired up with Pelumi, because he's a bit of an oldie at heart, like me. You know you're going out with a forward planner when he asks you what sort of age you'd like him to retire at, before you're actually engaged. 

So in the spirit of 'growing as a person' or something like that, here are a few things I'd like to grow in by next year ( which could very well be the next time I post at this rate). 

• To not worry so much. Pelumi is constantly surprised at how I can make such a tiny issue a reason for intense stress. Like the time I cried because I got us lost on a road I've been down a thousand times.  
• To see new things as exciting instead of scary. (But this will be hard for me because I'm Cornish and I don't like change)
• To make the first move in friendships and relationships more often, instead of letting it drag on for months without seeing people. 
• To finish things that I start.
• To be honest more about what I physically have time to do. 
• To enjoy reading the bible and see it as life giving instead of something I must do.
• 
  

And by the time I'm 80, I'd love to look back and be happy and content with my lot and with how my life has been. But hopefully I'll be too busy looking forward to an eternity with Jesus, feeding Pelumi Werther's Originals and enjoying my massive slipper collection. 

Sister Act Soundtrack

This Christmas my sister gave me Sister Act 1 & 2 on DVD.  I can't explain how happy this made me.  I don't care how many people have snubbed it for being tacky, it's still possibly my favourite film  (Blood Diamond being in the running too).

I also got to witness yet another fire related holiday disaster at my mums house, when my mum and sister set off a sky lantern that was swept across the back garden and became a massive fireball. I will admit to panicking a bit when it almost set the trampoline on fire.  Thankfully, just like after the firework that went off inside the house last New Year, we all survived.

Pelumi (Pumba to most of the people at church who know him),  is visiting this weekend which will be lovely. He also recently got a job as an accountant/book keeper. Thank you God! Months of prayer and years of dreaming for him have been answered and I really am thankful for his job, and excited about the experience he will have.

India is also home for a little bit and so there have been a few happy Christmas reunions going on. So nice to have her back!

In the spirit of New Years Resolutions, I've been collecting a few 'I've never...'s as I seem to have quite a few. I managed to tick off  'I've never been bowling' recently, which was quite pleasing.  So here are a few:

• I've never had an Indian Takeaway
• I've never seen Die Hard
• I've never broken a bone (Actually quite happy about this one so its not a resolution!)
• Never been on a plane
• Never dyed my hair
• Never ridden a horse
• Never done a backwards roll
• Never been to a music festival
• Never been to London

And probably plenty more. Maybe some will be ticked off this coming year. 

Happy New Year!

Chief

Today, after a year of wishing there was one in the house, I bought my own potato masher. I know its not anything to get excited about but I don't have a job and I live by myself so there you go.

Here is the fountain of potato delight that I made for tea with my new stainless steel masher:

A delicious cottage pie!

Here I am enjoying the second bite: 

Actually there have been some interesting things happening lately. Like the end of Impact (which is why I actually have the time to write this). Sad as it is to leave behind such a great year with far too many amazing consequences to talk about ( maybe I'll collect all my notes and ideas and write about that next time), it feels good and right to start something new. I can already feel the order coming back to my brain, I'm actually getting things done and now am just hoping and praying and searching for any job. 

I've also been able to steal a bit of time with a lovely young man who I wish I could see everyday.

This is him teaching some of our region's youth to dance, which he does very well. He's really different to me and I like that a lot :)

Please pray for him to get a job in finance very very soon!

The very sad news is that India Bunce, my best friend of 8 years is moving to Edinburgh in 5 days to go to uni and paint beautifully. We are having a farewell meal for her tomorrow night, and she will be missed very very much, definitely by me,

...and probably also by Pumpkin, as India is the only one who likes her. 

This is Pumpkin:

If you want a good song to listen to, try 'Your Direction' by Chief. I love it, although I still cant decide whether it makes me sad or happy. 

Enjoy your week!!!!

Bowerbirds.

Time for a bit of a confession.

Without realising it, for ages I've been ignoring a whole side of my character that I shouldn't have been. I hate words like 'womanhood' and 'feminity'.  The phrase 'becoming a woman' makes me feel a bit ill. Its not that I've ever wanted to be a boy, or that I hate being a girl. I just always used to question why it has to make a difference if I'm a girl or boy, why can't I just like what I like and think what I think and say what I want to say, and just be a person and not a girl.

 I hate the stereotype that girls can be a bit shallow and obsessed with their appearance and over-emotional, and that they spend all of their time shopping or cooing over babies or crying at rom-coms. (The last one is actually true for me, but I cry at every film, I think theres something wrong with me). I've hated that stereotype so much that I've tried hard to avoid it. I've always had a really stubborn attitude towards women's books and women's meetings, and had a bit of a condescending attitude to anything thats normally seen as 'girly', which frankly is just a bit rude and ignorant.

But I'm learning this year that God doesn't want me to forget that He made us in His image, male and female. I can't separate femininity from my personality, and whatever opinions and attitudes and decisions I have should be influenced by the fact that God made me a girl. I'm built a different way. I am going to have certain differences to men, and I can't expect to go through life acting like I'm not a girl. 

There are certain character traits that He wants me to cultivate, and not neglect just because I'm afraid that I will get stereotyped as over-emotional or boring or soppy. There are also some things I need to repent of and turn away from, mainly for forgetting that God knew what He was doing when He made me, fearfully and wonderfully. He is the potter, not me. 

Whatever kind of person I'm going to grow into over the rest of this year and the rest of my life, I'm still going to be female, so it might be a good idea to read up on what the bible says that should look like. So thats what I've been spending a big part of my time doing since September. And I'm really enjoying going through the qualities of the Proverbs 31 lady in my personal discipleship, and seeing God give me more of a heart for things like home-making and hospitality, gentleness and tenderheartedness.

I really think this is about being more biblical and more Christ-like than trying to be more ladylike, just for the sake of it. Its  been a relief to find that letting God transform me into a biblical woman doesn't mean I have to start dressing like something out of Legally Blonde, spending hours every morning co-ordinating hair, clothes and make-up, or crying every time I see a puppy. 

I'm learning that it means being a woman who "dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong," who "opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." Along with those little gems, Proverbs 31 also says that:

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Not a pampered princess, or a butch lady-man with a heart of stone. A wonderful blend of strength and gentleness. That is definitely, without a doubt the kind of lady I want to be. So onwards and upwards eh?

If you'll be in a church somewhere tomorrow like me, enjoy delighting yourself in Him and spending time with your church family. If not, go to one- if you're in Newquay, come to Blaze! Hotel Vic, 11am.

Goodnight, 

Ron Sexsmith.

A very exciting few weeks.

1. Impact training at Centerparcs- mentioned in the last blog. Which included a lot of laughing, girly chats until 2am, knitting, a frozen lake, and some squirrels. But even better: encountering the presence of God in a new way, being 'set free' from 'everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.' (Hebrews 12:1) spending a week worshipping him and being filled with his Holy Spirit, and experiencing for myself what the smile of the Father is. Incredible, incredible, incredible!

2. Moving home. I'll admit that the first few days were very wobbly in a I-don't-like-living-alone sort of way. But after pushing through I've found out that I love having my own space, I love making it into a home (and searching out things like butter dishes and sugar pots), and I absolutely love being in the centre of Newquay. Here are some dodgy pictures, I had to try and balance my mac on my knee and get into some awkward positions and they still aren't great!

I had no idea how much fun it would be.

3. Peterborough Prayer & Fasting.

Not to sound like a heathen but I find fasting hard. My stomach was crying after a few hours, 

so I ended up not doing the whole thing. But the prayer is incredible, and you have these brilliant people who are really experienced with leading the meetings and giving prophetic words and leading 

worship, and its just amazing to see whats going on across the country with church plants and so on. Indge had an interview at Norwich Uni so she came along which made it so much fun, and she got to meet some of the people I've met on Impact, which was cool.

4. Indge's birthday party. 

Debbie and Ruby cooked this amazing meal, mozzarella and sun dried tomatoes and ham and chorizo 

for starters, cannelloni for main and a big chocolate cake for afters. Topped off with watching Napoleon Dynamite. I hadn't seen it in years and was at the point of choking and crying from laughing so much. If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. 

Today was a lovely day of church and food shopping and egg custard tarts.And then Tuesday 

brings another week of Impact training, how good is being alive!

How marvellous! How wonderful!