Bowerbirds.

Time for a bit of a confession.

Without realising it, for ages I've been ignoring a whole side of my character that I shouldn't have been. I hate words like 'womanhood' and 'feminity'.  The phrase 'becoming a woman' makes me feel a bit ill. Its not that I've ever wanted to be a boy, or that I hate being a girl. I just always used to question why it has to make a difference if I'm a girl or boy, why can't I just like what I like and think what I think and say what I want to say, and just be a person and not a girl.

 I hate the stereotype that girls can be a bit shallow and obsessed with their appearance and over-emotional, and that they spend all of their time shopping or cooing over babies or crying at rom-coms. (The last one is actually true for me, but I cry at every film, I think theres something wrong with me). I've hated that stereotype so much that I've tried hard to avoid it. I've always had a really stubborn attitude towards women's books and women's meetings, and had a bit of a condescending attitude to anything thats normally seen as 'girly', which frankly is just a bit rude and ignorant.

But I'm learning this year that God doesn't want me to forget that He made us in His image, male and female. I can't separate femininity from my personality, and whatever opinions and attitudes and decisions I have should be influenced by the fact that God made me a girl. I'm built a different way. I am going to have certain differences to men, and I can't expect to go through life acting like I'm not a girl. 

There are certain character traits that He wants me to cultivate, and not neglect just because I'm afraid that I will get stereotyped as over-emotional or boring or soppy. There are also some things I need to repent of and turn away from, mainly for forgetting that God knew what He was doing when He made me, fearfully and wonderfully. He is the potter, not me. 

Whatever kind of person I'm going to grow into over the rest of this year and the rest of my life, I'm still going to be female, so it might be a good idea to read up on what the bible says that should look like. So thats what I've been spending a big part of my time doing since September. And I'm really enjoying going through the qualities of the Proverbs 31 lady in my personal discipleship, and seeing God give me more of a heart for things like home-making and hospitality, gentleness and tenderheartedness.

I really think this is about being more biblical and more Christ-like than trying to be more ladylike, just for the sake of it. Its  been a relief to find that letting God transform me into a biblical woman doesn't mean I have to start dressing like something out of Legally Blonde, spending hours every morning co-ordinating hair, clothes and make-up, or crying every time I see a puppy. 

I'm learning that it means being a woman who "dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong," who "opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." Along with those little gems, Proverbs 31 also says that:

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Not a pampered princess, or a butch lady-man with a heart of stone. A wonderful blend of strength and gentleness. That is definitely, without a doubt the kind of lady I want to be. So onwards and upwards eh?

If you'll be in a church somewhere tomorrow like me, enjoy delighting yourself in Him and spending time with your church family. If not, go to one- if you're in Newquay, come to Blaze! Hotel Vic, 11am.

Goodnight, 

Ron Sexsmith.

A very exciting few weeks.

1. Impact training at Centerparcs- mentioned in the last blog. Which included a lot of laughing, girly chats until 2am, knitting, a frozen lake, and some squirrels. But even better: encountering the presence of God in a new way, being 'set free' from 'everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.' (Hebrews 12:1) spending a week worshipping him and being filled with his Holy Spirit, and experiencing for myself what the smile of the Father is. Incredible, incredible, incredible!

2. Moving home. I'll admit that the first few days were very wobbly in a I-don't-like-living-alone sort of way. But after pushing through I've found out that I love having my own space, I love making it into a home (and searching out things like butter dishes and sugar pots), and I absolutely love being in the centre of Newquay. Here are some dodgy pictures, I had to try and balance my mac on my knee and get into some awkward positions and they still aren't great!

I had no idea how much fun it would be.

3. Peterborough Prayer & Fasting.

Not to sound like a heathen but I find fasting hard. My stomach was crying after a few hours, 

so I ended up not doing the whole thing. But the prayer is incredible, and you have these brilliant people who are really experienced with leading the meetings and giving prophetic words and leading 

worship, and its just amazing to see whats going on across the country with church plants and so on. Indge had an interview at Norwich Uni so she came along which made it so much fun, and she got to meet some of the people I've met on Impact, which was cool.

4. Indge's birthday party. 

Debbie and Ruby cooked this amazing meal, mozzarella and sun dried tomatoes and ham and chorizo 

for starters, cannelloni for main and a big chocolate cake for afters. Topped off with watching Napoleon Dynamite. I hadn't seen it in years and was at the point of choking and crying from laughing so much. If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. 

Today was a lovely day of church and food shopping and egg custard tarts.And then Tuesday 

brings another week of Impact training, how good is being alive!

How marvellous! How wonderful!

Blaze Songbook

So the Blaze week of prayer has just ended, literally just half an hour ago.  Great timing as well seeing as we just came back from a week of Jesus setting people free- undoubtedly the best week of the last 6 months if not the last year.

Its really made me realise how much I love Newquay, Blaze, and 

everything God has done in Cornwall. 

We're also beginning an Alpha Course, 8th Feb, 

which has made me think back to how I became a Christian 3 years ago and how much God has changed me- a really good fuel for praying for people to come to Alpha and hear the gospel.

The Avett Brothers.

Today has been a GOOD day. We rearranged the office so that we have one long desk, and a massive space in the middle that wasn't there before. I think it looks so cool, like a space station. I can't wait to see if we can get all five of us on the mega-desk now.  I wish we'd taken pictures- maybe someone else will and I can steal them for here.

I've had lots of late nights lately- including staying up until 5am and getting up at 8am. That hasn't happened for years- I feel so sad and old because my body can't take that kind of abuse any more. But I'm still in a weird teenager-y mindset, so I can't get up very easily in the mornings. What I really want is to be able to fall asleep early and get up early ( REALLY early, 5am-ish ).

I've also been thinking about my best friend who's been up in Oxford at her uni interview, and is now in Berlin on a college trip. My lovely landlady has also been off on Christmas Holidays, so I've had people round quite a bit, which has been really really fun. It also means that I've been spending a lot of time with this cool cat:

And this real cat:

Raawr!

I just wish I felt a bit more Christmassy.
Any ideas?

Yunupingu

This week has meant some seriously good family time, and some even more serious belly laughs thanks to the wonders of photo booth. Here are some of my lovely family: 

Mathew & Michael

Ben

Frankenstein's monster?

Kim & David (plus a flat-top)

'Children fight back against the childcatcher?'

I haven't seen some of them in months so it was so good for me. 

I have also been brought into the world of Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu. He is a singer and guitar player from an island somewhere near Australia. He sings these beautiful songs about his homeland, this is such a strange concept to me. The closest I've come to caring much about my heritage is the time I smacked a rhubarb and custard pasty to the ground. (Pasties are savoury, always.)

But the songs are beautiful and you don't have to understand his language to fall in love with them.

Also I've found myself thinking about the future and the big stuff. 

What the heck will I do after this year?

Am I going to travel?

I want to see the world. 

Where will I live?

Before this year I didn't even consider the idea of living outside of Cornwall, (I'm still one of the simple countryfolk really). I love little villages. I love the crazy people that live there. I was only back in my little village for two days and I saw a woman wearing two different shoes on her feet. But now I can't help thinking that I've lived in the same little cul-de-sac of the country my whole life. And if I'm not careful I won't ever leave. 

Will I have my own family?

I love children, I love the whole point of having a family. But the idea of doing it alone is also exciting, and less scary or sad than I used to see it being. 

The only way I can sleep at night, with all of this in my head, is knowing that I don't have to trudge my way through it on my own. I am never alone. Even when I've been a bad egg. "Jesus commands my destiny'. I am never alone. Sometimes this year I have felt so excited, at the edge of new beginnings and exciting adventures. Sometimes I've felt rubbish, sometimes stressed, sometimes miserable, sometimes out of control. A lot of the time I've gone off in the wrong direction and completely messed it up. But like it or not Jesus has been there, constantly interceding for me. He has been there through it all, and I'm coming to realise that its an amazing, heartbreaking, thing to know that by the power of grace I am adopted. I have an eternal, faithful covenant because of His undying love, and not because of anything I've done.  

"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from

your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed

in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the

uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me."

Goodnight

x

Coldplay.

I had to put in some of the lovely knitting moments of the last few weeks. 

I'm so glad I learnt to knit, its such a nice lady thing to do, especially now that I've gone all butch. ( I think its having to wear bulky winter clothes). Not that I'm pretending to be a pro at this. I'm definitely nowhere near as good as the absolute Queen of knitters, Holly Brannigan, or my Mum who must be some sort of champion. She knitted her own school jumper when she was eight!

Its also brilliant for car journeys, I think the ride over to Friday morning training sessions in Lostwithiel are great for it, like today:

In other news, I have loved listening to old Coldplay songs that make me feel so happy. And the best part of this week was definitely Impact training in Bristol. Church history, The Life of Jesus and The Story of the Church. My favourite part was being shown even more how as a church we get knitted together to be part of the body- and all connected to Jesus. And how Jesus gave everything for the church, his bride. Amazing!

Have a beautiful weekend.

The Killers.

The last month or two has give me some of the busiest and most exciting times of my life.  In between some not so nice days, there have been lovely ones, which I'll explain once I've gone through all of the new things that have happened.

The working life.

• The FP Impact year has begun- ( I found out that FYP or Frontier Year Project also stands for Find Your Partner. This made me feel a bit sick). A year of meaty theological training, getting to know new people and growing your character in God.  I'm going back to Bristol again tomorrow;its nice to know there are twenty-odd other people dotted around that are getting ready to go as well. Impact also means:
• Working for my local church, Blaze Newquay, which has been sometimes challenging but always wonderful. I am slowly getting my head around things like the News-page and Dropbox! Its also meant working with boys most of the time which has involved crossing paths with some interesting smells. I'll leave it at that.
• Moving. I am lodging with a lovely lady called Lynn who has a cat called Homer and a rabbit called Random. 
• Home-group. One of the many great things about being in church is homegroups. Every other week we meet up for cake and to build each other and do some 'one-anothering' (one of my new favourite words). We pray and worship together and look at what was preached on Sunday mornings.  My home group (led by Richard and Kay Lettington, also nicknamed 'The Bronx' is really, really good.) We had a social yesterday where we had jacket potatoes and chilli, and went for a walk to Kennel Vale. I think its a bad sign that fresh air felt painful, so I'm going for a walk today.
• Drawing class. Running alongside home groups, we have 'tracks'. I am going to the drawing class. I'm no sure if I will ever be able to discipline myself to draw properly but its so much fun and really nice to have an activity.
• A new computer. A lovely couple from church completely blessed me with a mac for church work. It was such a wonderful gift and has really helped. 

Its also been so nice seeing my best friend more recently, she has started a foundation year at Falmouth so is probably busier than me. She's the best.