Its a real testament to my lack of concentration that I can go a whole year without posting anything.
Maybe I've been too busy, which is my usual excuse. Perhaps I've grown to be a bit lazy which is most likely true. I don't seem to do much these days. It doesn't bother me too much, partly because I'm used to it, but mainly because the past months have made me feel like I am slowly moving forward, starting to shed the skin of an uncertain, awkward young person and becoming more like the person I want to be.
As a wise lady regularly says to me, "I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was."
And I have to say, it feels good to know what clothes I like, music I like, what I'm good and bad at and to be able to be myself and to scratch away at what that actually is.
A big part of this has come from having a job. It feels good to be working, learning how to run my own house (or room), paying my own way. This time of gaining all these life skills, and learning how to deal with people and conflicts is invaluable.
I'm still working on things like 'how to not eat the week's supply of chocolate after one bad day', and 'not leaving everything to the last minute and then complaining about how much I have to do', and 'getting up on time in the morning and not shouting at the toaster for taking too long and making me late'. But they're all just tiny flaws that everyone has, I'm sure.
Having a job has taught me patience, how to be diplomatic, how to be firm but fair, and how to disagree with someone and say that 'this is not alright'. The ladies that I work with are a team of volunteers who are over 50, and between them all have been married, run businesses, raised children, lost parents, lost husbands, battled cancer, supported their children by helping raise grandchildren, and have basically lived through a lot. Not to mention that they were all taught from a young age that you don't waste anything, you make sure you remember your manners and you work hard. Hearing their stories makes me realise that the daily things I struggle with are nothing new. There really is 'nothing new under the sun'. A few of them worship the same God as me, most don't. I don't agree with everything they think. But given the choice between spending time learning from them, or having to listen to someone my own age or younger telling me the fascinating story about the time they were sick outside the pub on Saturday night, I know what I'd choose. ( Sorry to anyone my age or younger, I'm just exaggerating to make a point).
Honestly, I think this is why I don't understand why people complain about having to grow up, as if its boring. I guess the idea is that when you're young you get to have all the guilt free fun you want, because 'I'm young and this is when I'm going to make all my mistakes.' Then as you get older you have to grow up and be sensible and boring.
I've spent most of the last few years wishing I could skip forward to a time where I know myself better, I've had a few good confidence building years, and I'm more in love with Jesus. I'm so glad to leave teen years behind because I love getting older. And if you get the balance right, you can come up with a monthly savings plan and still have strudel for breakfast instead of the muesli that you're supposed to eat. ( I don't know why anyone would eat that sawdust first thing in the morning, its disgusting.) Its a good thing I'm paired up with Pelumi, because he's a bit of an oldie at heart, like me. You know you're going out with a forward planner when he asks you what sort of age you'd like him to retire at, before you're actually engaged.
So in the spirit of 'growing as a person' or something like that, here are a few things I'd like to grow in by next year ( which could very well be the next time I post at this rate).
- To not worry so much. Pelumi is constantly surprised at how I can make such a tiny issue a reason for intense stress. Like the time I cried because I got us lost on a road I've been down a thousand times.
- To see new things as exciting instead of scary. (But this will be hard for me because I'm Cornish and I don't like change)
- To make the first move in friendships and relationships more often, instead of letting it drag on for months without seeing people.
- To finish things that I start.
- To be honest more about what I physically have time to do.
- To enjoy reading the bible and see it as life giving instead of something I must do.
And by the time I'm 80, I'd love to look back and be happy and content with my lot and with how my life has been. But hopefully I'll be too busy looking forward to an eternity with Jesus, feeding Pelumi Werther's Originals and enjoying my massive slipper collection.
